


Leave all your love and longing behind, You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive.

by AriPatari



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ash is suicidal, Ashton is in love with Luke, Dog Days are Over, M/M, Niam is a thing, Not Larry sorry, So basically Ash is depressed majorly and the band kinda unknowingly ignores him, its now just a one shot kinda thing omg, malum is just a fleeting bromance, may be triggering, title is from Florence + the Machines, well will be very triggering actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 03:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2008821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriPatari/pseuds/AriPatari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton Irwin is severely depressed and no one could help him. He is in love with Luke and feels out of place with the band. The bad unknowingly ignores and neglects him and Ashton doesn't want to be on this planet anymore. Niall Horan and Liam Payne are the only ones keeping him sane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave all your love and longing behind, You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive.

I don’t know what made me feel this way. What made me feel so sad, so depressed. Maybe it was knowing how many people hated me or knowing the fans thought low of me. See, a month ago, there was a poll on twitter for the popularity and overall thoughts of 5SOS.

 Luke was of course the most popular, and comments for him were all positive. Luke deserved it and we were all proud of him. Calum was placed second, only a few hate comments at which he literally giggled at. Michael third, and we don’t even know how many hate comments he got because he laughed so loud and pointed out how stupid the hate was and how It never bothered him. I wish I was like Michael. Now I, Ashton Irwin, was last with 3% of the vote and well, the hate was brutal. I looked it over thousands of times, but the numbers still stay the same for me.  
ASHTON IRWIN-DRUMMER: LOVE? (1,896) HATE? (8,219)  
 

When my eyes locked on the numbers, all I could do was lock my eyes on the numbers, keeping them from glazing over even though I felt the tears welling up. I could feel the boys glancing at me before looking over at the screen, silence overtaking the room. I could hear Michael inhale sharply and then there was a hand on my shoulder, knowing from the warmth provided that it was Luke. I knew Luke inside out and it sounds creepy but I love him and love makes people do creepy things sometimes.  
 

“Ash-“I heard Calum start before I shook off Luke’s hand and got up from the couch before muttering, “I’m fine. The people have spoken.” walking out as quickly as possible.  
That night, I cut for the first time in 2 years. I tried not to, but the tweets in the hate category were so filled with truth I couldn’t help but fall into self-loathing again.  
@Ashton5SOS Ew he acts like a 6 year old and his giggle is so fucking annoying lol gay much?  
@Ashton5SOS He doesn’t even deserve to be in 5sos he’s only In because they needed a drummer tbh  
@Ashton5SOS REPLACEABLE AS FUCK  
@Ashton5SOS I need 5sos to realize that Ashton is replaceable and that they need an actually attractive drummer who can actually drum  
@Ashton5SOS Ugly fag go die or cut yourself  
And maybe I will.

  
-

  
 It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve had a proper conversation with any of the boys, and it’s really fucking heart-shattering. They’ve been ignoring me, slipping out of the room whenever I enter, or making excuses to not be near me. It’s actually got to the point where I’m fully depressed. What really got me though was when I sat down next to Luke in an interview and he actually fucking moved to sit next to Calum, a full empty seat between me and Mikey. I’ve never felt that low. I almost sobbed in the middle of the interview, and you can bet I cut myself extra that night. The only people keeping me from killing myself are Liam and Niall. See, Larry really isn’t real, at all. Elounor is and Harry is pretty much in love with this beautiful brunette girl named Juliette. Niam is real though, and they’ve been secretly dating for 2 ½ years, only my band and their band knowing.  
 Anyway, they know and have been sworn to secrecy about my cutting again. They know about my love for Luke, my depression, and everything. If it weren’t for them, I might as well be dead.

*

  
When I woke up the next morning, I immediately looked into the mirror next to my bed. I could smell bacon and eggs downstairs but I knew I couldn’t have any. I was fat enough, and it’s not like they saved some for me anyway. Looking at my curls I moved them around, trying to de mess-ify them. I sighed, realizing that this was a metaphor of my life.  
 Throwing my feet to the side of my bed, I slid off, stretching my arms above my head. My wrists were clad in tons of rubber bracelets to hide the scars littered up and down my forearm. Deciding it was time, I walked out of my room and into the kitchen, seeing no one in it.  
 

I just simply got a glass of water and walked into the dining room where everybody was. But of course, they didn’t even acknowledge my presence, only chatting about some new movie they were planning at seeing at the cinema tonight. Guess who was invited?  
“Ashton, Niall and Liam came by earlier and told us to tell you to come over whenever you could.” Michael stated, taking a bite of his toast that was spread in vegemite. A sigh emitted from me. The guys had stopped calling me Ash a long time ago. Nodding, I just upped and left the table, leaving the burning stares of my bandmates behind. As I rounded the corner back to my room to get dressed, I stopped to hear the whispers of my friends. 

“What’s his problem? He can’t even eat with us? Well fuck you too, Irwin.” That was Calum. “Yeah, he’s been kinda clingy though recently. Maybe it’s best if you know, he took his precious time away from us, yeah?” Michael. “I just don’t wanna talk to him anymore. He’s being sort of weird recently.” That was Luke. My heart broke again, and there was a lump in my throat.  
Yeah. They hated me.

*

  
 When I approached the cuddling couple, I sighed. “So they officially hate me. I heard them basically admit it. They think I’m a freak, I’m clingy, and weird.” I groaned, plopping on the couch next to them. They pulled apart, Niall looking at me with wide eyes, and Liam looked angry. 

“You’re being clingy? How is that possible when they’re ignoring you?! “Yep. Liam was mad. “I have half a mind to go and beat their ‘punk-rock’ asses.” Niall ranted before Liam grabbed his arm, preventing him from doing anything.  
“It’s true though. I just had to realize it.” I whispered.

*

  
I was now sitting with everybody on the 1D Boy’s bus. Well, I was sitting with Niall and Liam of course, but everyone was there.  
 I was glancing at Luke, who was presently talking to Harry and Zayn. Luke. With his perfect, soft, blonde hair, and beautiful icy blue eyes. Luke was perfect.  
 “Maybe you should talk to him. You know, tell him what you’re feeling?” Liam suggested a tattooed arm around Niall’s pale shoulders. I grimaced at the thought of the love of my life rejecting me.

 “And have him hate me, reject me, kick me out of the band, or even all of the above? You know what? Wonderful idea, but I think I’ll have to pass.” I replied, slight sarcasm lacing through my words. This made Niall sigh deeply.  
 “I feel horrible for ya but Li’s right. Maybe talking to him would help. I mean, it work for Li and I.” He exclaimed proudly, snuggling closer into Liam’s chest, Liam rewarding him with a kiss on the head.  
 “Yeah, but you guys have been in love since the day you met. It was mutual and everyone knew!” I watched as Mikey, Cal, and Luke started talking and then suddenly left the bus, Josh trailing behind. Furrowing my eyebrows, I shook off any concern or worry and continued talking to Niam. It was about 20 minutes later when all starts to go downhill. Louis had walked up to me, a confused look on his face, banana in hand.

“Ash mate, why aren’t you with the guys?” Raising my eyebrows, I shrugged.  
“They left without me.”  
 He frowned deeply, wrinkles appearing in between his eyes. “They said they were going to practice sets but they took Josh with them. I mean, you’re their drummer so I just-“ I groaned, my heart shattering once again and my eyes widening. It felt as though my lungs were deprived of oxygen and I was going to puke up the shards of my heart.  
 The thought popped into my mind as I felt tears well up.  
“They’re replacing me…”

-

I don’t know when I first felt this… pang of hurt… spread through my chest. I don’t remember when everything became this difficult. All I know is that one day I woke up feeling hatred from my own bandmates, my own best friends, and my own love.  
 I’ll tell you what. I’ve officially marked the day I’m leaving the band and the planet. I’m quitting the band on the 10th of August and the planet August 15th. No one could save me at this rate. I’ve already made up my mind and not even Niall and Liam can talk me out of it. Luke might, but guess who’s not going to? Why would he try to save the life of someone he hated? 

 As I sat alone in my room, thinking of something to say to them once they came home from this movie, but my mouth drew a blank. I just don’t understand what I did! I get it, I’m not perfect. I’m ugly, I’m fat, I drum like an idiot, I act like a 4 year old, I’m gay, my laugh is the most annoying thing in the world, and for that I’m truly, truly sorry. But I can’t change.

 I cried for the 8th time this week. Ugly, violent sobs shook my body, and I place my hand over my mouth to try and conceal them. No use, the sound actually got louder. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks and clouded my vision.  
Falling onto the floor, I screamed. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” I whispered the last part, before scrambling to my feet and rushing into the bathroom. Falling to my knees I ripped open the cabinet and reached under the top. Taped conveniently there was my razor.  
Without a second’s notice I pressed the cool metal to my arm, dragging it across. White-hot pain seared my arm, but I knew I deserved this pain. “I’m so sorry. So so sorry.” I whispered to my bleeding arm. 

 After about 10 cuts, I washed off my arm and put on some more bracelets. I also washed off my razor and the floor before taping my razor in the cabinet again.  
Dragging my mentally and physically exhausted body to my bed, I grabbed my calendar from above my bed. With shaky hands, I drew a large X over August 10th before writing ‘Leave’ and another one over August 15th, writing ‘Leave Forever’. Counting the weeks I had, I sighed. 2 more weeks…

  
**_\--Calum Thomas Hood--_**

  
 Sighing, I stay sat in my seat as the credits to the move rolled. I don’t wanna go home and address Ashton. I don’t want to deal with that yet.  
I guess the boys agreed as well because they stay sat too.  
 “I can’t do it today. I can’t try and speak with him and act like everything’s ok when it’s not.” Michael spoke softly. I nodded, knowing he was speaking of Ashton. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ashton, we all do and we all care, but it was just so hard to get him to talk. He keeps everything bottled up and it’s not okay.”

“Maybe avoiding him isn’t helping. Today wasn’t the same without Ash. Hell, no day is the same without him. We fucked up majorly today. We should try and work things out. Harry, Zayn, and Lou texted me before yelling at me. See, here? From Hazz, ‘What the fuck how could you leave Ash he thinks you guys are replacing him?!’ Louis ‘Fuck you mates, Ashton is crying. What did you do that for?’ and Zayn, ‘Ash is crying. Are you happy now’? They all hate us right now, and to be frank, I hate me too.” Luke replied softly, looking at the floor.  
 

I just sighed again before speaking. “I’m just scared. So so scared.”

-

 It was about 2:30 am when I heard the front door opening, signaling that the boys were home. I was still in my room, attempting to catch up on the 2 hours of sleep that I was living on. 2 hours was good for me.  
 I had just begun to dose off when I heard footsteps (several) pounding up the steps and about 20 seconds later there was pounding on my bedroom door. “Come in.” I groaned weakly. My heart jumped about fifty feet in the air when I noticed the boys standing in the doorway. “Ashton, did we wake you?” Michael whispered. I would just like to point out that Michael was the worst whisperer on the planet. He just shouts quietly.

 Mentally rolling my eyes, I just sighed. “No. I was shopping.” I muttered quietly. This just made the boys sit on my bed, still keeping a distance between us as if I was a disease. Groaning internally, I sat up rubbing my eyes. “Can we talk to you?” Calum asked nervously. I looked up at them before shaking my head. “No. I know what you’re going to say and I can’t handle it. Not right now, okay?” They were probably going to kick me out of the band.  
 Luke looked genuinely nervous. “Ash. Please?” I couldn’t do it. Luke called me Ash, he said please oh my lord oh my lord. Keeping my fanboying down to a minimum I just inwardly groaned and sat up. "Yeah let's get this over with." I could feel stares on me as I looked down at my blanket-covered knees. "Ashton..." Calum called softly, basically forcing me to make eye contact with one of them. It sure as hell couldn’t be Luke because I'd get lost in his stupid light blue eyes. Calum would just make me feel guilty with his puppy brown eyes, but Michael would just stare at me with his cold light green eyes and I couldn't handle that so in the end I just stared at Calum's tattooed clavicle.

 "We want to know why you've been so..." Michael started, trailing off. I could feel something warm pool at the bottom of my stomach. Anger, white hot anger. I badly wanted to just shut up but guess what? (We can't have Ashton happy can we? Nope, so let's make him suffer.) I ended up blurting out, "Why have I been so what lately? No words? Because I can think of a few choice. Clingy, annoying, depressed, isolated, worthless, pathetic, so, so-" I cut myself off, panting a bit knowing that I just said too much. Way too much. “Ashton I was going to say quiet, were you eavesdropping on us?” He asked sharply, obviously losing patience. I mean, fuck how is it my fault?

I didn’t even have a chance to leave the room before they started talking about me. I opened my mouth to speak when Calum cut me off this time. “Is that what you think Ashton or are you just throwing words out there?” I badly wanted to bury myself under 8 layers of dirt but I couldn’t so I just shut up all together. It was the truth, what I said and I wanted them to know this but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. “Ashton.” Michael hissed sharply. I just looked down, averting my gaze to what looked like Luke’s foot clad in his black vans.

 I kept quiet and it was silent for a few minutes before I felt weight in the bed shift before hearing Michael’s voice. “I told you guys. I can’t deal with his shit right now!” I heard the door slam on his way out and I felt a pang in my heart knowing my bandmates sure as hell hated me right now. I heard a silent string of swears tumble out of Calum’s voice before he ran out, most likely to console Michael, which left me with Luke.

 “Ashton, why won’t you talk to us? Why won’t you talk to me? If you’re upset talk to us! I’m tired of the constant battle of ignoring and avoiding you with the other guys! This is so stupid! I mean yes we were shit for ditching you today but we’re getting sick and tired of you pulling some ‘Boohoo I hate the world, pity me’ act if you won’t tell us what to pity you for!” Once the words left his mouth, my head shot up and looked into his now wide and regret filled eyes.

I now had no more heart since it was completely obliviated. I might as well be dead, because that’s damn sure how I felt. “Ash, Ashton you know that’s not what I me-“I cut him off with tears rushing to my eyes. “You think I’m doing this for attention?! For pity?!” I rushed out of the hotel room, down the hallway to the elevator and made sure to close it before anyone else came in before sinking to my knees and letting tears overtake me.

-

                                                                                               ** _\--Luke Robert Hemmings--_**  
 I sighed deeply as I looked at the sheet where Ashton once sat on the bed. God Luke. Why do you have to be so stupid? Groaning, I stood up before staring at the door where Ashton sprinted out of. I should probably go chasing after him, huh?  
 

 My feet took me as fast as they could out of the hotel room and down the hall where I saw the elevator doors closing, not surprised to see Ashton in them, but shocked to see him on his knees, quite obviously crying. Ok, that hurt. I mean, if I'm being completely honest, I may or may not have a small crush on the drummer. By small crush, I totally don't mean I just wanna grab his stupidly good looking face and just kiss him all over until I die from asphyxiation. Because I totally don't.Ah, if it were that easy to lie to myself.

 Frowning, I rushed as quickly as I could to the emergency exit steps at the other end of the hallway, running-no sprinting- down them faster than Usain Bolt. Since we're on the 6th floor it wasn't that bad but damn who like exercise? Not me that's for damn sure. I can't believe I had said those words to him. I was mad and the heat of the moment caught up to me and like I know that's not an excuse but it's the only one I have for now.

 Damn Luke, back at it again with being a lame piece of shit.  
As soon as my foot hit the lobby floor, I heard the ding of the elevator. Bless my long legs because it took me 3 steps to reach Ashton stumbling out and grabbed him. I felt him jerk in my arms and heard the sharp gasp of the curly headed angel. "Luke, let me go!" Guess what I didn't do? "Ashton please... you need to listen to me. I fucked up, god, we all did... but you need to listen to me!" I rambled while turning him around in my arms. His sad, tear-filled eyes stared at me, pain evident.  
 

 "You want to explain things to me? Explain why you guys hate me so much." My heart was demolished. I immediately squeezed him into the biggest hug. "Ash... we could never hate you. We got upset because we felt like you were pushing us away. Of course, we took the scrotum way of handling it, but we... I could never hate you." I felt the tension leave his body. "But what about the hotel room thing?"

 I blushed because this was it. This was the moment. Here we go... I gave myself a mini pep talk and my heart rose to my throat, tightening it and leaving my hands clammy. "Bec-" I cleared my throat, "Because I like you. Not in the best friend way, in the like like way. I couldn't handle being near you without wanting to kiss you. You're so perfect, so beautiful... I saw your scars a couple days ago... I cried for hours, Ash. I'm sorry we did this to you, I'm so so so sorry." A lump grew in my throat and tears pricked beneath my eyes and my head pounded slightly.

 I lowered my head into his neck and just cried. Ash cried, too. We just cried together, and no, that didn't heal all that we did to him. Not even close. But it did give us some closure. 

I felt his lips moving by my ear and i heard a raspy whisper voice out, " I like you too..."

-  
                                                                                        **\--Ashton Fletcher Irwin--**  
 It's been three years since Luke caught me and told me the only words that saved me. When we got back to the hotel room, we all had a huge group breakdown which included a lot of sobbing. And really, it was okay, it was all okay.

 Three years of Luke holding my hand and loving me when I couldn't love myself. And of course I'm not fully healed, but I'm healthy and safe and happy. That's all that matters. Right now we were at Malum’s wedding. I know right? Who knew. Funny story about that. They had never dated but about a year ago, Mikey just proposed to Cal as a joke and Cal said yes and they expressed their love for each other and wow it was wild, let me tell you that.  
 

 Niall stood next to me, patting my shoulder with a smile. “Did ya think it’d end up like this, mate?” I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. I was Calum’s best man. Calum who I was so sure hated me. God, I was so naive. I looked across at Luke who was a “bridesmaid” which he bitched about for 5 days straight before Mike told him to chill before he made him wear a dress. He was so perfect, and he was so mine. “So when’s the Niam wedding?” came back the whisper. “When that scrotum decides to pop the question!” Before we both broke into fits of laughter. I was happy. I was so happy. My eyes darted to Luke’s shiny blue ones. I saw his mouth began to move.  
 

“It’s us now, love.”

 “And it will be forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> GUYS ILYSM AND I DECIDED TO JUST MAKE THIS INTO ONE BIG STORY AND FINISH IT OFF PLS DONT HATE ME FOR SUCH THE LONG WAIT xoxoxoox I HOPE YOU ENJOY <3
> 
> IM SORRY ITS SO SHIT BY THE WAY I FORGOT WHERE I WANTED TO GO WITH THIS


End file.
